Back at home

Today is my fourth full day back in the US, I have not unpacked my bags, my room is an utter disaster, and the weather is so cold that it is insulting.  However, it is nice to be in a place where my clothes fit the climate.  I got a really warm coat as a late Christmas present, which would be overkill in Istanbul, even though everyone there claims that "we normally do have a winter, this is just unseasonably warm!"  Note to people that believe that Istanbul experiences winter:  Maybe you are right, but compared to what I have been experiencing when I step outside in Massachusetts (which is not even northern New England-- so really I can't complain) I am compelled to laugh at Istanbul's version of winter.  Nice try.  Better luck next year?

My wardrobe isn't the only thing that fits in in New England.  Guess what else does?  My height, my skin color, my hair color, my eye color, my interest in sports and the outdoors, my name (kind of), my religion, my language, my sense of humor, my music taste...  So maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit.  New England isn't really that homogenous, it's just that I seem to fit in a lot more here than I do in Istanbul.  I know that is a no brainer, but it's something that has never been so apparent to me until now.  I spent the last couple days visiting friends at Williams, and it made me realize how much of a product of my environment I am.  I am so similar to so many Williams students.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing, because on the whole all Williams students should have certain fundamental similarities: intelligence, social competence, and a good work ethic.  There are exceptions, of course, but I would say that the Williams admissions office tries hard to accept applicants that display these three characteristics in some way or another.  But the applicants are a self selected group, and they see something in Williams that they like.  For me, I think one of the most salient reasons I chose to go to Williams is because it seemed familiar and comfortable.  

Fast forward two years, and compare my first semester at Williams with my first semester in Istanbul.  At Williams, I quickly found a group of people with similar backgrounds and shared interests that became my closest friends.  In Istanbul, I met no other American girls from the Northeast that do college sports.  They were probably there somewhere, but we didn't find each other, and I am glad we didn't.  I felt unique in a way I had never felt before, and I made friends unlike any I have ever had.  I can't deny that it was comforting to come home to Massachusetts and blend into the grain, settle back into my old habits, and feel average again.  I have roots here, whether I like it or not.  One thing that I worried about when I was in Turkey was finding my place and being accepted.  I wondered if I was kidding myself by trying to be happy as an outsider in such an unfamiliar environment.  However, when I expressed this to one of my new Turkish friends, the friend said "Why try to fit in, when you are meant to stand out?"  This question really stuck with me, and it ultimately helped me decide to spend another semester in Istanbul, continuing to live outside my comfort zone in a culture with which I will never be able to identify.  While I can put forth my best effort and try to appreciate Istanbul and Turkey in a more profound way than most Westerners do, I will never be able to blend into the crowd in Istanbul like I can in Massachusetts.  Call it what you will, claim that I just like getting attention, whatever.  The important thing is that I kind of like being the outsider once in a while, and I think that after a month of re-immersing myself in the winter in New England and regaining some perspective on what it is to feel cold, I will be ready to be a foreigner in Istanbul again.  It's refreshing.